Translation of Mormon Teachings (irreverant and likely offensive)

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“Families are forever”= I love my kids and grandkids and want to control them beyond the grave

Men and women have different but equal roles=Men are in charge and women follow

We don’t know much about Heavenly Mother=We don’t have time for the lady stuff

Jesus loves you, but=He doesn’t love you and neither does anyone else

The Word of Wisdom comes from God=God cares deeply about if your caffeine is hot or cold

Prophets are fallible=prophets fart, but everything they say is God’s truth

There’s no hell but the one in your heart=and we’re going to do everything possible to make sure that your imagination creates a space there that is worse than any torture      

There are some sins you can’t repent of=These sins are not things that white, cis het males can ever do

We don’t excommunicate except in extreme cases=like when it makes us look bad or it makes us re-examine our institutional policies

Women aren’t agitating for ordination= “those” people aren’t real women

If you don’t repent, you suffer as Jesus did=you will bleed from every pore and wish you were dead, bitches!

The spirit world is on this earth=I see dead people

Genealogy is vitally important to our salvation=Dead people matter more than living people

Paying tithing matters more than charitable giving=Give us your money so we can build more temples to God

The church uses tithing better than other charitable organizations=we save it for the future, in case there’s an apocalypse for white males

I know this church is true=I feel safe with all the white people

I know Joseph Smith was a true prophet=I know nothing about the problematic issues with joseph Smith

I know The Book of Mormon is the word of God=I’ve never considered if you should believe black skin is a curse

God blessed me with safety=He loves me more than people who die in car crashes

I prayed and found my keys=God cares about my keys more than starving people in Africa

Girls camp is true=All the nasty girls were finally nice to me for a few minutes

I gained a testimony at camp=I was so starving and tired that I felt super emotional

Bad music is from Satan=anything written after 1500 is too modern for us

Satan is trying to get us to do evil now more than ever=being old means I know what God wants more than young people “rabble rousers” do

These are the latter-days and choice spirits are being sent down now to usher in the millennium=God expects you to save the world so you better follow the rules

The gift of the Holy Spirit is different and special=no other religion can tell you anything really true

Our way of baptizing is super important=God cares about the details like if your hair goes above the water line

The temple is the only way for families to be together forever=give us your money and never question us or you’ll never see your family again

Divorced and single women don’t have the priesthood in their homes=so feel sorry for them and give us your money, but don’t talk about women holding the priesthood


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